Lesson From Tragedy

There are many “rear view experts” in light of a tragedy such as Fort Hood. If only…The important focus should be on those slain. May they rest in peace. And may the injured recovered.

The one point about communication that has been brought to light is that there were tell-tales signs of a problem with Dr. Hasan. This officer, that parent. that Imam; they all had insights to offer about possible problems. But their thoughts were fragmented. No one “connected all the dots” to get the true picture of Dr. Hasan’s grimmer side. This was no one’s fault, but it is a fact that needs to be considered as part on the inquiry.

In effective communication, all the players are at the table. All opinions need to be heard and aired. In mediation too the key to a “breakthrough” is honest and open communication. “Win-Win” is too powerful a goal to allow for breaches in effective dialogue. This is why mediation can succeed where litigation cannot. The Fort Hood massacre could not have been avoided easily. The lines of communication were too diffuse. Society does best when communication flows freely. This is the key to the success of mediation.

Election Day 2009

New York and New Jersey have similar themes in electoral races. William Thompson, a decent man, is running for Mayor in NYC on a platform that seems to state “I am not Bloomberg”. Across the river, in New Jersey, Chris Christie wishes to be governor, it seems, because “I am not Corzine.” Elections once what about what we wanted. Today they seem to be about what we wish to avoid.

Divorce based on litigation seems to have that negative thrust. Parties want what they want, often, because they fear their adversary might get “there” ahead of them. What parties should truly want is Win-Win. If you are getting divorced, vote for your interests. Define what you need, go about your work with civility and decency, armed with your mediator, and “victory” will truly be within reach. Mediation works. Mediate don’t litigate.

Pulling Your Weight

The New Jersey governor’s race has sunk into the ridiculous. Governor Corzine’s ads highlight the fact that Challenger Chris Christie is “heavy”. (He weighs over 300 pounds). Is this significant? To this Gov. Corzine says that it is up to the voters to decide.

People resort to “low blows” when there is much riding on the line. If Gov. Corzine wins, expect him years from now to disavow this tactic. But for today it seems to be appropriate for political discourse.

In divorces, people will fight for advantages, dollars, debating points, etc. if they are allowed to do so. It is unfortunate but true. What can one do to avoid this? Employ the services of a trained mediator who will keep a proper focus and dialogue. Do we truly wish to win at all costs? Mediators, being an optimistic group, will assume the answer is in the negative. Keep your dignity and priciples intact, Mediate don’t litigate.

The President and Acceptance of the Nobel Prize

Much ink has been spilled about the awarding of a Nobel Prize to President Obama. Was it deserved? Was it premature? Should the President have refused to receive such an accolade? Regarding the last question, a rather insightful comment was made by a radio commentator. Had the president said he would not wish to receive such an award, would he not have been accused of arrogance and grandstanding? Sometimes we are truly “damned if we do and damned if we don’t”. Some of life’s surprises, bad or good, present us with no good alternatives. In such situations we simply must make the best decision we can and hope for the best.

Divorce proceedings give us many situations where no good alternatives seem to exist. In such situations, mediation allows the parties to sort through various options and try to make the decision that brings with it the lowest human cost. Life is not perfect. This is true, moreso, for divorce negotiations. When we are young, we can “flip a coin” in such situations. Fortunately, when we are older we have a proper forum for making decisions. It is called mediation. Mediation works. Mediate don’t litigate.

Moore on Capitalism

A recent movie review stated the difficulty in reviewing Michael Moore movies. If you like the movie, you are branded a radical. If you pan the movie, you are then described as an obscurantist. People like Michael Moore are very common. They only see one perspective; their own. While producers with such propensities can still make money, those who negotiate with such tunnel-vision are likely to experience disappointment and frustration.

Mediators have many techniques to broaden the view of those engaged in negotiations. One needs to be able to see that there is another perspective even if they disagree with it. Information should not be shunned nor feared. A trained mediator can guide both parties through difficult moments caused by seeing only your own perspective. Mediation works when it is done with professionalism and insight. Mediate don’t litigate. Do you want to be accused of being another Michael Moore?

Is Governor Paterson For Real?

Governor David Paterson was in the news when an Obama official tried to get him to pull out of a future Governor’s race in New York. Low poll numbers for this Democrat caught the White House attention. Yet days later on national T.V.,Governor Paterson seemed unaware of this encounter. He denied that this event took place. Was he pretending or merely clueless? You can judge for yourself. However, we all know the power of denial when we need to shield ourselves from hurt.

Divorce is a traumatic event. The power of denial often shields some from the inevitability of divorce. Once the process begins, parties seem often to prefer to be oblivious to the needs and wants of the other party. For many, this is a position they can live with. Attorneys posture for their clients, and the parties remain on the sidelines, sometimes totally clueless. There is an alternative where the parties can actively participate in their divorce agreement. It comes about through negotiation in a mediation mode. If like Governor Paterson, you can be comfortable with a dose of passivity, do not choose mediation as an option. For all others, mediation would be the preferred course. Mediate don’t litigate.

Happy New Year

Members of the Jewish faith have just celebrated Rosh HaShanah,the Jewish New Year. It is a time for wiping the moral slates clean and beginning with a fresh start. In Biblical times, debts were actually excused every 7 years during this Holiday season!

The concept of a clean slate is one we can all appreciate. Unfortunately, bitterness and enmity do not always take a break. Divorce has the potential to bring out the worst in the principal actors. Can anything be done? The answer is that something must be done or else the parties will be mired in bitter memories for a lifetime.

I believe divorce mediation is the best hope for a new start. How and why it works is almost besides the point. It does indeed work. Try mediation for your dispute(s); marital or otherwise. Aren’t you entitled to a new beginning?

Ex-Governors Running Again

A number of former governors, including Tommy Thompson of the Bush years, are seeking their old jobs again. We get bored and leave our job, then get bored and want the old job back. Humans, if they are anything, are fickle.

Fame works the same way. This Summer, Mark Sanford was big news and then old news. Sarah Palin is still news today, but by next month who knows? We have the capacity to get bored with the old as we crave new news all the time.

Marriages likely fail for similar reasons. Commitments and marriages are no longer forever. The question for divorcing couples is how does one proceed with the dissolution of a relationship?

Hurts, disappointments and seared feelings will eventually heal. Man is quite adaptable. However, the question to ask is how would you choose to end a relationship that started with such promise. The only constant in your life is, hopefully, your good name and your integrity. Ask yourself whether mediation or litigation is more civil. Once you answered that question, your next move will be self-evident.

Disappointments are short-lived, in many cases. Divorce is a bitter pill but many choose to go on with a positive spirit and feeling. And we should indeed act accordingly. Just ask one question of yourself: “Will my new future plans be more likely to succeed if I end my marriage with civility or if I go out in a blaze of glory?” Mediate don’t litigate.

“We Offended Everybody…”

Joel Achenbach of the Washington Post wrote on the Social Security legislation of the 1980’s. Senators Bob Dole and Pay Moynihan worked the different political parties to come up with legislation that proved successful. How successful was it? Senator Dole recalls: “We offended everybody, which made it a pretty good bill”.

In any negotiation, there needs to be a give-and-take. Ultimately, each party will need to give a bit in order to get a bit. There is no other formula for a successful negotiation.

Win-Win does not mean each party gets what they want. The differing needs makes this virually impossible on any occasion. Win-Win means each party will get substantially what they want and will not begrudge the other party to get what they need as well. As Rep. Richard Gephardt reflected :”It is easier to defeat something than to pass something.” This makes negotiations well-defined. If the aim is to be negative and defeatist, than the work ahead will be easy. Constructive work demands skill and the right attitude. Which do you prefer? The Talmud adds this insight: “It is difficult to grow crops, but weeds grow by themselves.” The choice is yours. Do you need more weeds? Choose wisely.

People Talking Without Listening

The above refrain comes to mind when we think of the health care debate. One commentator pointed out that the debate does not teach us that people need to learn how to talk. What people need to learn is how to listen. A good mediator talks a good deal less than s/he listens. It is hoped that this listening behavior will “rub off” on the parties. You learn a good deal more from listening than you do from talking. Furthermore, if you do not fear the “other side’s” position, than learn to listen to it. Mediation is where the best listening comes to fruition.
The adversarial system does not teach good listening skills; mediation does. Mediate don’t litigate. It truly works! Perhaps this ability to listen will even appear amidst the Health Care debate. It is unlikely, but think of the benefit to all if this comes to pass!