Sarah Who?

The media is filled with news about Sarah Palin’s next move. Will it be reality TV? lectures? Speechmaking? Why are we so interested. It seems that there is a natural curiousity about the lives of the famous.

How well do we know ourselves? Not well at all. We take little interest in the person closest to us. This is why therapy is so helpful to so many. We get in touch again with our inner selves.

During a divorce it is easy to look sight of who we are and what we want. A third-party is very helpful. There is only one professional who can get us through the trauma of divorce with dignity within the legal rules of the game. It is your local mediator. S/he will be an important asset to you. Mediate do not litigate.l

Marriage, Divorce, and Time Magazine

Ms. Flanagan in Time magazine, this week, examines the toll divorce exacts from children. While we recognize that marital bliss is something of great worth, we are not prepared to put in the hard work and sacrifice to get to this point. The essay concludes with the question of what marriage’s purpose happens to be. Is it meant to give pleasure to adults or does it have the traditional purpose of ensuring the new generation’s safe passage into adulthood? (She bypasses MANY other possibilities.) The final verdict? “What we teach about the true meaning of marriage will determine a great deal about our fate.”

The above essay paints a challenging picture. Divorce rates are roughly 50% of all marriages. The work of mediators and mediation will have much impact on how future generations thrive (or fail) in light of the odds that are adverse to their interests. Our work is cut out for us. I prefer to think the naysayers are wrong. If they are not, we have a great deal of hard work ahead of us. Mediators, start your engines.

Sanford in 2012?

Roger Simon in Politico.com wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece on why Governor Sanford can still run for President in 2012. All 4 reasons are sardonic, so watch out if that is not your cup of tea. The one I like best of all, is that Mark Sanford has already embarrassed himself, in contradistinction to other politicians who have to wait much longer to do the same.

It strikes me that this is the best reason for divorce mediation. Parties in a typical divorce have lowered the standards of decency for themselves in terms of mud-slinging, name-calling, and needless confrontation. Divorces are not pretty. Once the parties are ready for mediation they have either embarrassed themslves or at least harbored a desire to do so. Unlike Governor Sanford, their line has not yet been crossed.

Mediation is the last chance to preserve dignity and propriety. Why wait until the press, or spectators, have chosen to judge and crticize your actions. Do what needs to be done. If you try divorce mediation, at the very least (unlike Gov. Sanford), your children will thank you. Give it a try, if civility is important to you.

LeBron, Shaq, and Mediation

The sports news of today is buzzing with the piece on Shaquille O’Neill joining the Cleveland basketball team. He will team up with LeBron James. The usual question is being asked, i.e. will two superstars make Cleveland unstoppable, or will there will a new set of problems besetting the team.

The idea that superstars make a team unstoppable, is not necessarily correct. If it were, the NY Yankees would win each year. Their team is laden with “big names”. But sports involves intangibles, personality battles, managing concerns, etc.

In life too, there is no such thing as a marital superstar-pairing. Good people marry and divorce. This is not to blame anybody; this is a fact of life. Marriages do not last forever, as people are not infallible. When divorce beckons, put away the temptation to hire the “gunslinger” who will get you revenge. If you married with respect and dignity, choose to divorce the same way. There are no guarantes in sports or in real life. Bad things happen. Do what you can to ensure your marriage ends on a note of civility rather than one of combatativeness. Mediation works. You will not be disappointed with its results.

Rahm Emanuel and Mediation

A quote of Rahm Emanuel that appeared today relative to the economic situation caught my attention. It is :”Never waste a real crisis”. The thought to me means that even crises can yield positive outcomes. Take the opportunity to learn even from adversity.

A divorce mediation process can lead to positive outcomes. Mediation teaches the parties better ways to communicate. If the parties are co-parents this improved communication can be of great help in future negotiations. The mediation will likely lead a party to realize where effective communication broke down. The next relationship should exhibit improved communication. We need to learn from our mistakes. Thirdly, a failed relationship underscores the shortcomings of each party. It does you little good to learn from your ex-mate’s shortcomings. Learn from your own and work on character building. The crisis of divorce need not be your fault. But as Mr. Emanuel points out: “Don’t let a good crisis go to waste.” Life is about growing and learning. We are never too wise or too old to learn from life’s adversities. Mediation provides a good “workshop” for such growth.

Where Did My Home Go?

A mix-up in directions in a Georgia town led a demolition crew to the wrong house. Al Byrd, of Carrollton,GA arrived home to see his boyhood home torn down. An article about this tragic mistake ended with the following: “Byrd said he wasn’t sure what to do next–although he did hire an attorney.”

Many who go through a divorce are likewise not sure what to do next; but they indeed do hire an attorney. A proper question to ask if you are in the throes of divorce is the following: What will my attorney do to make sense out of my personal tragedy. Divorce is a traumatic event. Are you hiring an attorney to litigate the matter? Will she help you bring closure to your personal loss? Will your life be better after the attorney does what attorneys are hired to do? If you answer is “unsure” to any of these questions, you may not truly wish to hire your attorney until after you hire your mediator.

As it is, life has too many Lose-Lose situations. Why opt for that if you can try for Win-Win in your personal “battle”. Hiring an attorney will spare you hard work but it is not likely to bring you a sense of decency and propriety. If these values are of importance to you, and you are not sure what to do, hire a mediator first when you need to ask :”Where did my home go”?

More Time to Listen

The New York Times health section this past Sunday had an article entitled “If All Doctors Had More Time to Listen”. The article described a new concept in medical care known as “patient-centered” medicine. Doctors have decided to cut back on the number of patients seen daily and concentrate on treating individual needs more thoroughly. One physician decided to switch once she became wearied from beginning virtually each appointment with the words: “Sorry I am so late.” The number of patients seen daily decreases in this new medical model (one doctor’s new rate of 12 daily patients is half her previous pace), but the thoroughness of each appointment, and quality of service, has increased dramatically. Physicians are learning the backgrounds of patients they have seen for years, for the first time. The patients pay a premium for such a service but they seem happy to do so, in exchange for greatly improved medical service.

This model is an inspiration for mediators. Clients who choose to litigate may not get timely return calls or a sense that they are more than yet another legal file for their family practitioners. If nothing else, mediators do listen, and they do get to know their clients. Everyone desires to have a professional who has the time to listen. Mediators listen and they serve with distinction. They gain nothing by seeing contracted litigation and bitter exchanges. If anything, the opposite is true. If the trend in medical services is true in Family Law, mediation will go in popularity. Mediators do have time to listen. This is how to provide the most professional of services.

Michael Moore, Roger, and You

I will begin this article with a disclosure; I am not a fan of Michael Moore. However, today a Michael Moore piece appeared on the GM bankruptcy that is insightful and thought-provoking. He analyzes the role GM can have in America’s future. Why not have GM convert its operations now to make energy-efficient cars and buses. Perhaps the new owners of GM, the U.S. taxpayer, can use this new opportunity to plan for a more energy-efficient system of public and private vehicles. Let’s declare war on the energy crisis and truly allow American society to become “green” in this important area.

The article is somewhat self-serving but it is on target. We all know by know the tired expression, that “If life has given you lemons, make lemonade.” This is the time, Mr. Moore states, to produce lemonade.

Divorce Mediation works in similar fashion. Divorce is one of the most challenging events in the human experience. It is life giving us a strong dose of lemons. But it is an opportunity to re-group and start again. That will only happen when we let go of old arguments and hurts. The future beckons to us and invites us to start again. Mr. Moore correctly reminds us of the need for a proper plan and thorough planning. You will not get this chance for rebirth through litigation. You might well get it through a civil and dignified approach to the dissolution of your marial relationship.

Pursuing mediation makes sense. Consider your divorce the personal equivalent of a GM-type of restructure. Think about your future and what you have yet to accomplish. Act upon your plan with dispatch. Close one chapter of your life with dignity as you concurrently plan for the rest of your life. This is your chance to convert those lemons to lemonade. You will be the agent, but divorce mediation will be the medium. Good luck.

The Obama-Cheney “Debates”

During this last week, President Obama seemed to be reacting to speeches given by former Vice-President Cheney, on issues of national security. However, these parallel talks were certainly not the Lincoln-Douglas debates we all learned about in High School. They were simply products of two patriots, with different views, who managed to speak to each other through the media. Never was there a meeting of minds or even of personalities. National politics is too impersonal for such dialogue.

Relationships can fail when people talk “past each other”. In a divorce setting, communication has often shut down. The last chance for people to communicate before they “close shop” on their marriage, is in the mediation setting. Some matters need communication. The last, best chance for this is through mediation. We all need closure after relationships have ended. Consider this chance an emotional equivalent of an exit interview in the corporate world. If you have such a chance for closure, you will do well to grab it. Don’t have parallel speech-making; say what needs to be said, with grace and dignity, and then move on. It will accrue to your long-range benefit.

The Tortured Memories of Nancy Pelosi

The CIA heads have shown that indeed Rep. Nancy Pelosi was briefed on enhanced interrogation practices. But she still does not remember this being the case. Is it poor memory or something else?

People do not do well in adversarial relationships. Once it became fashionable to attack the Bush administration, everything they did was called into question. Ms. Pelosi probably had more respect for the Bush policies in 2002 than she does now. (Who doesn’t?). She is an effective opponent of what the Bush White House stood for.

But she likely forgets the better times, and the moments when she acquiesced with their policies. It is difficult to admit anything proper came from President Bush if you now share the enmity towards him so many felt.

Do you see a parallel to marriage, divorce, and the litigation process? We forget the better times, feel the enmity and shoot from the lip. We need a sense of balance. This balance is provided by the process known as divorce mediation.

For those who wish to learn more, visit my website at www.NJMediationWorks.com. Learn about divorce mediation and plan your divorce with wisdom and civility. Try not to forget when your views were once balanced and try to be consistent with your principles.