“We Offended Everybody…”

Joel Achenbach of the Washington Post wrote on the Social Security legislation of the 1980’s. Senators Bob Dole and Pay Moynihan worked the different political parties to come up with legislation that proved successful. How successful was it? Senator Dole recalls: “We offended everybody, which made it a pretty good bill”.

In any negotiation, there needs to be a give-and-take. Ultimately, each party will need to give a bit in order to get a bit. There is no other formula for a successful negotiation.

Win-Win does not mean each party gets what they want. The differing needs makes this virually impossible on any occasion. Win-Win means each party will get substantially what they want and will not begrudge the other party to get what they need as well. As Rep. Richard Gephardt reflected :”It is easier to defeat something than to pass something.” This makes negotiations well-defined. If the aim is to be negative and defeatist, than the work ahead will be easy. Constructive work demands skill and the right attitude. Which do you prefer? The Talmud adds this insight: “It is difficult to grow crops, but weeds grow by themselves.” The choice is yours. Do you need more weeds? Choose wisely.

Where Did My Home Go?

A mix-up in directions in a Georgia town led a demolition crew to the wrong house. Al Byrd, of Carrollton,GA arrived home to see his boyhood home torn down. An article about this tragic mistake ended with the following: “Byrd said he wasn’t sure what to do next–although he did hire an attorney.”

Many who go through a divorce are likewise not sure what to do next; but they indeed do hire an attorney. A proper question to ask if you are in the throes of divorce is the following: What will my attorney do to make sense out of my personal tragedy. Divorce is a traumatic event. Are you hiring an attorney to litigate the matter? Will she help you bring closure to your personal loss? Will your life be better after the attorney does what attorneys are hired to do? If you answer is “unsure” to any of these questions, you may not truly wish to hire your attorney until after you hire your mediator.

As it is, life has too many Lose-Lose situations. Why opt for that if you can try for Win-Win in your personal “battle”. Hiring an attorney will spare you hard work but it is not likely to bring you a sense of decency and propriety. If these values are of importance to you, and you are not sure what to do, hire a mediator first when you need to ask :”Where did my home go”?

Violence in the News

A recent article tried to trace the reasons for a rash of recent violent acts in the U.S. Among the reasons given were stresses created by the weak economy and stresses created by dissolution of families. It is a truism that one of the greatest traumas we face as human beings is that of divorce. Divorce cannot necessarily be avoided, in many cases, but its trauma can be mitigated. How do we do so? We need to find ways to take the toxicity out of divorce. Divorce mediation is surely not the only way to do so. But it may be the surest and easiest way.

If you have a moment, take it as a “given” that divorce is a traumatic event. Think of ways to lessen its impact without citing divorce mediation. It will not be an easy task. Try it in a quiet moment!

The New York Times Snub

President Obama at his recent press conference made a decision to not include questions from N.Y. Times staffers at the conference. He took questions from representatives of other newspapers that were less well-known and less prestigious. This was referred to as the New York Times snub. One of the members of the Times staff stated that there will be other occasions for the President to include Times staffers and there was no ill-will. This statement was in contrast to opinions expressed by other journalists who saw this move as a way of lessening the Times influence in the national discourse.

The ability to overlook a slight, perhaps even take it with a light touch, is a gift indeed. We can’t always let the actions of others impact on how we act or think about ourselves. The New York Times influence, whether we like it or not, will be felt in future endeavors. Why therefore stew unnecessarily about a perceived slight and devote unnecessary attention to it.

George Stephanopoulos, a trusted Clinton advisor for many years, was once given a new assignment that was perceived as a demotion. Mr. Stephanopoulos had an interesting reaction to this event. He said that Washington is less concerned with the adversity that occurs to a person, than in studying the reaction to it. People who react well to adversity will “live to see another day”. Not so with those who crumble when they are visited by disappointing news.

In negotiations, there is a great temptation to rehash old hurts, mention a few “I told you so’s”, and play the “guilt card”. Doing so will stymie effective communication. There might be a time for review of the past in negotiations. But that talk should not predominate. Negotiations are forward-looking and are meant to be constructive. Snubs sometimes have to be forgiven or simply overlooked. Spending too much time on the past can very well take away the energy needed to act in the future in productive and meaningful ways.

Score one for the New York Times.